It's very hard to explain how wretched one can feel when traumatised. So why bother trying? I'm really not sure. Do I write this prose and these articles for my benefit or yours?
There's a school of thought that says writing about emotional distress may ease that stress. This process has been called 'The Trauma Narrative.'
The article suggests that sharing (writing) about our trauma may fulfill a need to make sense of what happened. Or it may be a coping strategy that helps us unpack the events that impact our ability to function 'healthily.' It could help us desensitize. Plus others may gain a better understanding of our trauma reactions, or triggers.
I think my writing fulfills a need though I'm not sure what that need is. Maybe it feeds my ego? There was a time I'd feel angry if my blog only had six views in a day. Conversely when I hit three thousand for one month I felt smug. I'm not sure writing has helped me cope. Sometimes it's had the opposite effect. I've felt unworthy to share my story, it's triggered self doubt and loathing. These are not healthy mental places for me to occupy. I would also argue against the idea that it's enabled me to desensitize. I think that getting caught up in 'story' can perpetuate a 'victim' loop. Or maybe that's just the punitive part of me speaking, the part that cannot accept that it's O.K to not be O.K. Though this could be a mirror from my society. It's really not O.K to be anxious or depressed in my culture. But what if readers can learn from our pain. If the person 'listening' is in direct relationship with us then maybe sharing our shadow will enable them to better support us. But that's a big ask. My partner loves and supports me but it's hard work. There's not many people in our world that could cope with our traumatized spirits. I would hope that people indirectly associated with our personal trauma stories accumulate insight. Perhaps a few generations down the line we'll feel less like villains and more like heroes for surviving this shit. Maybe then we'll feel a bit less isolated.
So now I'm going to post this, but I've no fucking idea why.