Exactly As I Am

At my last therapy session we did chair work. Me from ten years ago was sat in the other chair. "What does he want to know" my therapist asked? I paused through struggle to extricate the words. "He wants to know if the tornado inside ever stops, he wants to know if he'll ever stop fantasizing about killing himself, if he'll ever feel safe." Then the tricky part. I knew it was coming and my therapist spoke "how are you going to answer that?" I breathed deeply, minutes passed. I had to explain to my therapist that the words were trapped in my knotted fucked gut, it takes time and pain for me to speak. "I want to say it gets better, slowly and a little bit at a time but it does get better."

I had so much compassion for that invisible man sitting opposite me, I shed tears for him. My therapist broke the silence "Anything else?" No longer able to hold composure the tears fell freely. My mouth struggled to move due to the distortion of my face. I took a deep breath and said "I want to tell him I love him." My therapist replied "tell him then." Fucking bastard, it had been hard enough gor me to admit that. I sat up and looked that empty chair straight in the eyes and said "I love you, I'm sorry for all the abuse you had to deal with as a child" Then I broke down again.

That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. And now where has that compassion gone? For the last five days I've been the man from ten years ago, looking for the man that told me he loved me. My beautiful partner wants to find him too. She's been standing in for the man who's gone away. Helping me whilst I'm once again blown around my life by a tornado. Some of its power has subsided but it's still able to knock me over.

The realization is the man from ten years ago needs to love himself, he's still searching for others love. The man I am now, the one I've temporarily lost needs to learn to say 'I love me.' Not just 'you.' That's a new goal. In ten years I'll probably be sat in a office talking to the me from now. My healing process will never end. There are so many more battles to have.

I feel stronger now than I did at the first sentence of this piece. Remembering the compassion I had in that office has given me a strength that has been absent for the last five days. Though not completely solid it's nice to welcome it back.

I wish to accept and love myself exactly as I am. Exactly as I am!

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