As I Am

I've always wanted the world to bend to suit my particular set of circumstances. Wanted it to understand and empathize with my traumatic childhood.

I've been fighting for nearly fifty years to be heard and understood.

The situation has of course improved. Advances in care and knowledge have been made. But what about attitudes towards my trauma?

My partner occasionally becomes frustrated when I'm triggered into a state of collapse. I can be frustrated with my partners triggered states and my daughters state of collapse. I can even be frustrated with my own trauma responses.

If those that understand and live with the effects of  trauma struggle to offer compassion, like I do, what chance our wider society?

The frustration of a loved one is understandable. They miss the person that exists under the trauma, the spirit. When triggered the spirit is buried. The person 'known' is to a large extent absent.

Outside of the home exists a solution focused world. The question is often 'how am I going to fix this? The reality however is one cannot simply switch off neurological and biological responses to real or perceived danger. So then the question must be 'How can I learn to live with these overwhelming feelings? What can I do to minimize their impact? I find that I might know what I need to do but am too overwhelmed to be effective.

The answer is not simple. It has taken me decades to reduce by my sense of overwhelm that comes with my trauma.

Is it reasonable that I should want or expect compassion? Given I struggle to give compassion unconditionally, perhaps not. 

Is it reasonable to struggle and fight to increase awareness and empathy for myself and other traumatized kids?

I don't have the answers to these questions. All I know is that sometimes I feel like a failure because when I'm triggered I'm not able to operate to minimum requirements.

The challenge now is to honour my struggles. To accept that I'm not doing anything wrong. And to know what my 'medicine' is and to seek other useful activities.  

To try and find an internal place where I'm 'O.K exactly as I am.

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